Resentment

Re-sent-ment

Noun

Bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly

"Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows

(Luke12:6-7)

Recently I have been moody, cranky and down right hateful toward my husband but couldn't seem to figure out why. He hadn't really done anything out of the norm so what was tearing up my insides? Recently it had starting to get really bad so I went and talked to the one who knows us best my pastor. 

After talking with him I came to the realization where it was coming from, it was coming from hurt and resentment.

I've known my husband for 13 years. We went to school together and had a lot of mutual friends. We would wave and say hello give hugs and that was about it. A few years later we crossed paths again. And started hanging out and the rest is history in that. In the first several years of dating I didn't have to deal with his family. They just where never in the picture except for holidays which at the time we didn't really spend together. Out of everyone in his family we hung out with his sister the most.  As for my husband out first date was in December 2006. We got into an awful car wreck so he had to meet my dad. From that day forward he and my farther where inseparable. There are times when I haven't spoke to my dad and Chris has. They go to dinner together. Talk daily I mean they have a very solid relationship. I do not have that with his family. I'll admit I was a bit jealous.

We got married in February 2012. A few months before that was the first time they met my father, After Chris and I had been together for more than 4 years. They weren't very kind to him. One thing you don't do is mess with my daddy. 

I just lose my damn mind over that man. 

This is a man who raised me and my sister by himself from the time I was 8 years old. My mother died in 1996 very suddenly. In a instant I lost my mother and he lost his wife. My dad was always away working two to three jobs. I never really knew him growing up because he was always working. But on that day everything shifted and my dad became mother and farther and he did a fsmn good job of it. So when people don't treat him with the up most respect he deserves I seem to kind of lose all respect for them. I remember driving away from his parents house and Chris apologizing perfusley. I think it was on that day we both lost a lot of respect for his family. But we let it go. 

Onward...

My husband and I had to take marriage counseling classes at church for our pastor to marry us. You are suppose to take 10 classes and then pastor gives you his advice and desides if your marriage can stand the test of time. We only had to take 4 classes before pastor said we where good to rock. But even he said they only thing he saw hendering us in the future was my defense of shutting down all emotions and his family. We always took that into consideration 

After the birth of our first child things got rocky. We lived in his parents house and rented out two rooms. One was going to be my sons room. I couldn't wait to paint it and set it up. I was told I would never have children and it always seemed like that was going to be true. So when it finally happened I couldn't believe it. When I carried past 6 weeks was an even bigger miracle. I couldn't wait to paint the nursery and just soak that moment up. Needless to say it never happened. It was painted the day I had Jack. The whole house smelt like paint. So when we got out of the hospital I had to go and stay at my step moms house. So when dealing with my first child, my first c-section and my first bout with post partum depression it was a mix for disaster. I felt like I was spiraling. His sister stopped by a few times or let me take Jack to her. She will never know how much that helped. I felt like that was the only person who cared to see him. But even that dropped off after awhile. Which I understand but It was one of the darkest times of my life. This went on a few months. And after a heated argument about my laziness and the fact that me and my husband where "failures" (hello I was healing from a c-section and was doing the best I could not to slit my wrist in the bathroom) with his dad that was it. We packed up out things and moved over 45 mins away. I've never really talked about that night. I only talked about it once with my dad the night it happened. My dad came over and comforted three crying babies ha. That was the end of our relationship with Chris dad. After that we moved. Not a single person in Chris family saw Jack until his first birthday. It really messed me up. I kept thinking what is wrong with me and my son that makes them not want anything to do with him. I felt like they didn't want anything to do with him because he was apart of me. It nearly destroyed me and my husband. Lots of counciling later lol I no longer feel that way. But the resentment is still there.

See when we moved to Ashland city, I was starting to lose it. My sister didn't live in Nashville and my dad didn't help out with us when I was growing up because he always worked. So Chris got in Craigslist (I know,I know)and looked up sitters that's when we found Gaga. 

GaGa started babysitting Jack when he was 4 months old and still does. He thinks she is his grandmother. She helped me raise him. She gave me good tips. She helped me teach him to crawl and walk and talk. She was heaven sent. I believe my momma sent her to me to guide me how she would. But the resentment started again that I was having to go through a complete stranger  to get that bond for my son.

Let me say this....

Chris dad is not a bad man. When it comes to Chris I think he just makes really dumb decisions on what  he does and says to him. Chris feels everything.

He is one sensitive dude. And his dad just does not take that into consideration. Chris dad is a hard worker. Devoted Titans fan and loves and adores his wife which is inspiring. 

Trotting on...

Same thing happened after the birth of our second child. His sister being the only one to come see Memphis. No one else coming to see her. Almost five months later still no phone calls to check on her. His parents don't even know what she looks like....

I always felt shut out from his family but Chris has always been excepted into mine. From my dad to sister to my aunts and uncles and so forth. It was so mind boggling to me. Not to mention his brother got married and they about had a heart attack from excitement about her. And trust me I can see why she is absolutely lovely!!! 

Jealousy started to set in. Why wasn't I treated that way. What did I do to deserve the hate. Why didn't they like our kids as much as there other grandkids. My sweet babies is all I could think about. My husband had shut them out years ago and I always felt like I needed to fix their relationship. I couldn't understand why he was so okay with shutting that door. I tried. I cried and I poured my heart out which I don't do. And I just kept getting smacked in the face. I felt like maybe I should leave my husband to get away from it all. I hated my new last name. I hated being apart of them. It was so bad that I was literally losing my mind over it all. So I went to the church. I didn't know what else to do. 

Oh man the cleansing that did!!!

I learned that some doors God just closes. And sometimes that can even be family doors. Love them but it's okay to cut them. ( I loved that). And that I am enough. That God maybe put me and my family in Chris life to show him what a family is. And God gave me him to create a family. Because I am a good mother and wife. That just because they don't "approve" doesn't mean I can't love them but forget them. Morn the loss and move on. Some families just can't be fixed. And this is one of those times that fixing it is obviously making it worse. To pray for peace with dealing with the cutting of ties instead of praying for it to be fix.

We are all human we makes mistakes. I make several. 

I cuss. I sin. I get angry. I get jealous. But I'm humble and can admit my faults. But being accused of untrue stuff and being judge unfairly is just not worth it. And I know this sounds Winey and a little poor pitful me but and this is my story.and I'm being honest and saying what is on my heart that has been tearing me apart for five years. I'm sharing this story so you can know that after so much hurt the sun still sets and rises and life goes on. Forgive. Forget and let go of resentment. Resentment can tear you apart and the other party is non the wiser. Your not hurting them your hurting yourself. I was letting it tear my marriage apart. It was making me question why I was my precious ones mother and that was just not okay. Rid yourself of resentment and wash yourself in peace. There is not sweeter feeling.