I wrote this a month ago and have gone back and forth on posting it. My husband told me to post it back then. But a really good friend of mine had been suffering from postpartum silently for months before talking about it and that's when I knew it time to share my story because she was not alone.
If you have been one of my longtime readers you know me and my husband had been trying for a baby not long after we had my son. We where met with nothing but heartache and bad news for almost two years. In January of last year.... We gave up. I had come to peace at church one Sunday that this was not going to happen for us again. I was for the first time in two years, okay with it. Two weeks later we found out we where pregnant. We where so excited! A day later I was having awful, unnormal cramps. My husband rushed me to the ER immediately. They ran some test and blood work. The doctor came in and told me he was sorry but I was in the process of having another miscarriage. I felt like I Had been punched in the face. I cried the whole way home. I didn't move from my bed for days. I would wait for long periods of time before using the bathroom because I just didn't want to see the evidence of it being true again. But a week turned into a month and a month turned into your having a baby girl and a baby girl turned into a c-section at 40 weeks. We where over the moon!!! It had been a rough, unpleasant pregnancy but she was going to be here in my arms. I couldn't wait.
I never wanted kids before my son. When I found out I lost it lol. But I had one of the easiest pregnancies. And when he came out I had never seen someone so beautiful in my life. He was such a good baby. I still battled with postpartum issues. But he saved my life literally. He made me accomplish things. I wanted to be all I could be for my son.
I just knew with my daughter it was going to be different. I had prayed for this child we had waited so long for this gift. And as of oct,13,2015 she was going to be all mine.
The c-section was a breeze this time. I had a great team in the operating room. It took them 10 mins to get her out. As soon as she hit open air and opened her mouth she screamed and cried. She screamed the whole time they where sewing me back up, when I held her when they took her away.
She screamed all they way into recovery. I fed her in the room and she finally calmed down. That didn't last long. She cried the whole time she was in the nursery, in the room, in my arms, in her sleep. I was starting to get really worried something was wrong with her. That something was hurting her. Her pediatrician had a look at her and said everything looked fine. Take her home and see if that would help. It didn't. She cried for what seemed like days. She would stop maybe for 30 mins to an hour before she started right back up.
It started to cause anxiety in my son. He had never really been around anything like that. He started going into his room sitting on the bed covering his ears and crying.
I spent hours walking her. Putting her in her swing. Feeding her nothing worked. I was getting so exhausted. Two kids and the pain meds they had me on for the c- section where starting to take a serious toll on my body. It would take us hours to get ready to go somewhere. And me and Chris started fighting over dumb stuff because we where so exhausted. I would lay in bed and think about walking out the door and never coming back. When she finally quit crying I would just sit on the floor and cry my eyes out. I couldn't understand what I had done wrong this time. I would then lay down and pray to God that I wouldn't wake up the next morning. I felt like a failure. Everything around us seemed to be crumbling. We just kept getting handed shitty card after shitty card.
With my son I fought a bout of depression with him. Most of that steamed from not having a fucking clue to what I was doing. I went in completely blinded with no guidance. My husband had one week of vacation he took before he headed back to work. Most of that was spent in the hospital. My son didn't even have a crib when he came home from the hospital. We where so nieve and underprepared. But within a month we where jiving. He was just such a relaxed lowkey baby. He hardly ever cried. He would just chill and go with the flow. He barely even cried when he was Hungary. It was so easy with him. We fell right into step with each other. I was so consumed by him. The way he smelt the way he laughed I couldn't get enough of him at times.
When I took her home........... I felt like she wasn't mine. I'm so ashamed for even feeling that way but someone needs to hear that!
I couldn't have created such an unhappy child when I had created an overly happy one before her. I had prayed for this child. I had wanted her so badly how could this be happening? How could something so precious make me want to pack my bags and never look back
I hated myself. I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror.
That's when the suicide thoughts starting coming full force. I wanted to die. I didn't even want to wake up anymore. I felt like I was making everyone miserable because I was so exhausted and so angry. I had failed this baby girl because I just could not make her happy. Man on man postpartum depression... Sneaky bastard.
The last straw was when I had to call my dad because I felt like I couldn't handle another second.
This is about to get real and ugly. This is my story not for you to judge me but to see what Postpartum depression looks like and that you are not alone.
Memphis had started crying from 4:30am on. This woke Jack up very early. So he was not in the best mood. I fed memphis and set her in her swing she is full on crying at this point. I had the urge again to run out the door but I didn't. Jack decided he wanted to eat. We went to the kitchen and before I could even get the bowl down he had opened the refrigerator door and pulled the milk out. For some reason the lid wasn't on the gallon of Milk. milk went everywhere. He got mad and decided he was going to run to his room,in doing this he slide through the milk and was falling face first to the ground. I grabbed his arm to keep him upright that's when all I could see was black. The pain from my incision site was something I don't think I can describe to you. I was positive when I looked down the floor was going to be covered in blood. I couldn't even get up. And Jack is laying on the floor in the spilt milk screaming and crying. I'm laying on the floor screaming and crying and Memphis was laying in the swing screaming and crying. My husband continued to lay in the bed asleep. I was done. I couldn't do it anymore. I officially had made both my children cry. I wanted to leave this earth right then and there. I was tired. I was offcially in the worst pain I have ever experienced. I had officially hurt myself. My son. My pride and my dignity. Jack finally got up and put his hands on my face and told me everything was going to be okay. This poor three year old had gone though so much. He went to wake my husband who still continued to lay there. I just laid on the floor with my ears plugged and prayed. I prayed I would just disappear. I didn't even want to get up. I didnt want to even see their faces.
I kept thinking about how the past few weeks I wanted to sleep all the time. I didn't want to eat. I didn't want to leave my house. I felt like everyone just knew I was a horrible mom. I knew right then I was dealing with some serious postpartum issues.
I called my immediately and he came right over. We talked for awhile about how I was feeling and what I was going through. The next day I called my doctor.
I went to go see her that afternoon and we had a long discussion about what I was feeling.
I never felt like harming my babies. That was a thought that never crossed my mind. Only taking my self out of the situation to help my babies have a better life or what I thought would be a better life without me. She explained there are many different forms of postpartum depression and some can get very serious very quickly. She discussed medicine options but I didn't want to do that. So then we decided the therapy route was the best way to go.
I also opened up to my best friend who didn't shun me or make me feel like I was crazy for feeling the way that I was feeling. I also got involved in a momma blogger site and realized I was not alone. There where so many other moms just like me who where feeling this way. Some with the fist child some with there 4th child. Depression has no discrimination. It can effect anyone. I learned that even my husband was having his own depression issues as well.
It seems that society wants you to take a pill shut your mouth and suck it up and not talk about it and that is just no okay.
One thing all the moms seemed to have in common was first our embarrassment. Then the guilt. Especially if your a second time mom. You feel like you should know better! How could this be happening to us.That we didn't feel bonded instantly. There wasn't that huge rush of love feeling. That we felt an overwhelming sadness we just couldn't explain. It's a sadness we felt in our souls. You start to feel disconnected from everything around you. You energy is gone. Your restless. How could we feel this way when this baby is so gorgeous. That we didn't want to tell anyone. That we all hoped it was just go away. And that all of us where first offered some type of medicine instead of counciling first.
I just couldn't believe it.
Those first three months where rough. But the cloud finally feels like it has been lifted. I enjoy her more than I did those first three months. I've learned to just walk away and take a deep breath and let her cry if I have done all I can do and it's completely okay.
My advice
1. Talk to someone before it gets to be to much.
2. Walk away. When you literally hit the wall and have run out of options put your baby in a safe place and just walk away. Give yourself 5 Mins and return again.
3. Find support. Weather that be through a councilor or a support group.
4. Have you time.
5. Don't let yourself get wore out. Find a way to get lost of rest.
6 excersise.
7. Go outside. Get out of the house!!!
8. Ask for help!!
Please never fell ashamed if your going through this. Never feel alone. I hope someone or anyone who reads this knows they aren't the only one. Your a great mother!! Your a great person! This does not make you a horrible person. It still takes me awhile to wrap my head around that. And if your reading this and have never experienced postpartum depression please please please never judge someone who has I promise you they have already judge themselves enough. Love and light to you all. We together are all great moms. Lift up and always support moms. Never tear them down. In the end none of us are perfect. Raising happy healthy babies should be everyone's main goal. Love you all!!!!!!
Until we meet again-ASH
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