That's 20 years since I last heard her tell me she loves me. 20 years since she last hugged me. 20 years since she last kissed my face. 20 years since I have heard her laugh. 20 years since I have heard her say my name. 20 years since I remember what it felt like for her to hold me.
But in those 20 years I don't go a single day without thinking of her.
That's 20 years that she has missed....
My first day of high school
My first heartbreat
Prom.
Meeting my lifelong bestfriends.
Meeting the man of my dreams!
My wedding.
My baby's births
Meeting my children.
I'll never know what kind of grandmother she would be. I'll never know what she thinks about choices I have made. I'll never know if I made her proud or not.
For others in her life... It hurt but their lives kept right on moving. On April 4,1996 mine stopped. It's never fully moved since that day.
People tell you time heals everything... That's bullshit! It doesn't heal anything. You just get better at dealing with the pain. It stings a little less. Throbs less often. But it's still there. That hole she left behind is still there. It will always be there.
When I see her in my children's faces.
When I catch a whiff of her old perfume. When a song played at her funeral comes on the radio. Any Elvis song. Your violently reminded just how much that pain is still there.
I go through so many emotions on this day. Sadness deep deep sadness. Then the anger sets in.
I wish this day could be marked off the calendar but it can't.
Today is a day I can't mark off the calendar so Loving on my babies is how I plan to spend this day. And remember how much I love her.
Until we meet again-ASH
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