Recently a very brave and beautiful woman took a "selfie" of herself after she had a panic attack. She was trying to bring awareness to mental illness and I couldn't praise her bravery enough! But as I was reading the comments my mouth dropped! I was shocked and angry at the things people where saying about this brave lady. Fraud
Fake
Drama queen
Attention seeker
These word some of the words that really stuck out to me.
How could people be so jaded that they literally couldn't see the bravery in this woman because she was able to take a picture afterwards?
Panic attack arent pretty but they aren't the same either. Like snowflakes no two panic attacks are the same. They may feel the same but they are completely different at the same time. Different triggers, different reactions. Equally as terrifying in the moment.
MENTAL ILLNESS.....
A word Most people don't want to touch or talk about hell I was one of them. When most people hear the word mental illness they think blowing up bulidings and shooting up movie theaters ( im telling you what I use to think that word meant). People are not educated enough on it.
Panic attacks....
I've touched on when mine started in a previous blog post but let me tell you what they FEEL like...
I feel like I can't breath. That I'm literally having a heart attack. My heart pounds so fast I can't catch my breath. I start to get light headed. My mind starts racing. I want to claw my way out of my own skin. I want to take off running. If Im somewhere I want to leave. I would do anything, ANYTHING to make them stop. But panic attacks aren't rational that's why they are so hard to stop.
I have gone to the ER many times positive I was going to die. Thankfully I'm able to talk myself down more now than I could when they first started. They are exhausting. That's the one people really don't understand not even my husband. It physically and mentally takes everything out of you. Most the time I have a horrible headache after and I have to go lay down. Most the time I'm in a constant state of panic. The panic attacks just aren't as bad at that moment. I'm always panicked about my fever. My breathing. What I'm touching what I'm eating. Am I going to die why driving. It never ends sometimes are just easier than others.
There are days when I don't want to deal with it anymore because it is exhausting.
Irrational
I have ran out of movie theaters, restaurants, churches, malls.
I have missed birthdays and other events. I missed my college graduation. I didn't drive a car for almost a year. I ate the same thing for months because of a fear of an allergic reaction. I thought my hair color was killing me.
I thought I was having a...
heart attack
Stroke
Blood clot
Allergic reaction
Seizure
Appendix bust.
Suicide...
Ever wonder why you sometimes hear they had a mental illness and commuted suicide. Unfortanley I can relate.
It's exhausting. Many times I wonder why this is happening to me?Why I can't have a normal life? Why can't I just drive the road with my children and not fear what will happen to us on the way there on when we get there.
Your mind just never stops and sometimes that's all you want. To just make it stop. I don't call these people cowards as some do. I find that they didn't have a great support group. They felt the shame that we sometimes feel. The guilt. The anger.
There are just not enough resources out there for people with mental illness. It's not discussed enough.
If we had more places to go to talk to someone anyone that didn't cost an arm and a leg where we didn't feel shame for how our brains work More awareness. LESS SHAME! I fully believe the suicide rate would be cut drastically! There is nothing wrong with it. Listen to me when I say that again.... THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH IT!!! Acknowledge it. Talk to someone about it. Forget anyone who calls you a fake or fraud or an attention seeker. Because it is real. It's very real. That emotions those fears! Even if they aren't rational and no one around you understands. They are REAL.
My panic attacks steam from where I do not want to die and leave my kids. But mostly I don't want to die and someone see me. Irrational. But very real to me.
So the next time someone tells you they have a panic disorder or any mental illness do NOT shun these people. Love them! Support them! Try to see if there is anything you can do for them. You never know how much that could help just one person!
Help.....
Councling I can't stress talking to someone enough.
Breathing excersises.
Get moving. Gym. Walking. Jogging.
Talk through the panic attack if you can. Figure out what triggers them. What is the cause of the panic? Is it rational. 99 percent of the time it's not.
Mostly you are loved! You are not weird or flawed. And you are not alone.
Until we meet again-ASH
