Every year I battle with the grinch in me. This year he is rearing his ugly head big time. To give you a little background, my mother passed away when I was younger. Christmas was always her thing. She would decorate the whole house the day after thanksgiving, and max out every credit card she owned to make sure me and my sister had everything we wanted. Nothing was to much when it came to my mom. When she passed the three of us, my father, sister and myself, never looked at Christmas the same again. We went years without putting up a single decoration, not even a tree. If a Christmas song came on we would immediately turn the channel. We didn't do the whole Black Friday shopping thing. We wouldn't even really acknowledge the holiday, other than time with family and church. I would go with my friends to look at the lights at opryland but other than that that was as far as it went. My dad refused to do anything other than swap gifts with me and my sister and his family.
So when I got pregnant I just knew in my heart how disappointed my mom would be with me if I didn't make Christmas as amazing as she did. So my first Christmas being pregnant me and Chris bought our first tree. It's was a tiny 3 dollar tree from the dollar general. It had no decorations on it other than these two snowman with our names on them that my mother in law bought us. To me that tiny Christmas tree represented something HUGE for me!!! I felt more connect with my mom more than I had in such a long time.
Our first Christmas tree. Like I said tiny!
The next Christmas After the tiny tree would be My sons first Christmas, again I knew I couldn't let my mom down. She would have went crazy buying him stuff. I could just see the smile on her face that her grandson was fixing to have his FIRST Christmas. I went overboard. I bought him tons of stuff. Put up decorations. Watched Christmas movies with him, put up a tree taller than 3 feet hung stockings, it felt great. My dad even joined in on the festivities and we did our first Christmas Eve together and watched Jack open some of his presents. It was a magical time and he had the best first Christmas I could have given him.
This year though.... I'm green in the face again.
I haven't really done any shopping for anyone other than Jack. I put up our Christmas tree but that is as far as it has gone. But I can't figure out why I've been in such a funk this year and most importantly can my son tell?
How do you get into the Christmas spirt when some days I just miss her more than words. I just haven't really felt the holiday spirit anywhere. Not one house on my street has Christians lights out. I haven't really seen any Christmas movies on. And we have only received one Christmas card (which btw I haven't even sent mine out yet lol) so am I the only one feeling a little scroogy? And how do I get into the Christmas spirt when it's literally what two weeks away? I feel so guilty and want to make this again a great Christmas for not only Jack but for my whole family. So where do I start?
I'm bound and determined to make this a good Christmas damn it lol. Because my son is my whole world and all I want for him at the end of the day is to be happy.
Besides the real reason of Christmas is that our lord Jesus Christ was born. I think I have strayed away this year from the real reason for the season. JESUS.... Not presents or gifts or decorations. If I can just remind Jack what the season is about I will feel like I have accomplished something. Even if i still feel a little grouchy!
Have you ever been down on Christmas? What are your holiday plans?
Until we meet again- ASH
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