Loss...
It's like a blow to the face
A kick in the gut
It's like feeling the earth spin round while it feels like it's standing still.
It's feeling your heart in your throat.
It's crying a river of tears and drowning in them.
It's like riding a merry go round you can't get off of.
Up and down round and round.
It's feeling like screaming while your mouth won't open.
It's awful, it's horrific, it's scary and it's painful but it's part of life.
Loss...
I met Latoia when I was 15 years old. She had a laugh that was so contagious. I use to do stuff just to hear her laugh. We where inseparable. We went EVERYWHERE together. On Friday and Saturday I would wait outside her work for her to get off. By 18 we got our first apartment together. That time in our lives it was just us against the world. Latoia was very headstrong. What she thought is what she said. She never held anything back which sometimes wasn't always a positive lol but it was something I always admired about her. She was always there for me.
When me and Chris went on our first date we got into a horrible wreck. I can't remember if I text or called Latoia but within mins she was standing infront of me. She held my hand till the ambulance came and then followed the ambulance to the hospital, she never left my side the whole time. She even brought me balloons flowers and a duck lol. That was her. She could rip you apart with her words then put you back together with kindness. I loved her so much.
But with life comes hardships and sometimes those hardships get the best of you. When my first son was born I had to let go of latoias hand. I had to allow her to find her own way. I needed her to love herself as much as I loved her.
But the truth is since we where 15 years old I couldn't let her just be. I would worry about her all the time. She was always blowing caution to the wind and I was always trying to calm the storm. I would text her just to check up on her all the time. She would laugh and tell me she was fine and that she loved me and not to worry. But I never stopped worrying. I would wake up in the middle of the night and check facebook to see when the last time she was active was or recently check snapchat. Anything that would let me know where she was. Especially the last few years I would pace the floor looking for any sign of her. She would then text me and tell me to calm down. I just loved her so much the thought of anything ever happening to her made me sick.
And then....
I had noticed Latoia hadn't snapped me in a few days. The panic started to set in.
Latoia always said we where in tune with each other because there where many times when we wouldn't be talking and something would happen to one of us and we would just know. I would text her and tell her I knew she was mad at me but I had a weird feeling and she would tell me she had just had a seizure or she has just got out of the hospital. We would cry and tell each other how sorry we where. And go right back to being us.....
But this feeling was different. It was hard to shake. On Monday January 30th I told my husband I hadnt heard from Latoia in a few days and I was starting to worry. I was almost in tears as I told him something felt off. He calmed me down and told me to text her. I said no I would just text her later in the week... God how I wish I could take that moment back. The next day the anxiety increased. I thought about her the whole day. I wondered where she was and what she was doing. Pride got in the way as I convinced myself she was a grown woman and she is so strong that I know she could take care of herself. The first she still hasn't been on any social media but I let it go.
Then that night I was sitting on the couch and my bestfriend Amie text me.
The text said did Latoia pass away...
My heart stopped! The floor felt much closer to my face then it was suppose to be. I immediately felt sick.
I knew in my gut I knew. But I refused to believe it. I told her No. That there was no way. I began calling latoias phone over and over and over again. Each time it went to voicemail I would scream out loud No. By the 20th time I was on my knees on the floor sobbing. I still refused to believe it. I just kept telling myself she was asleep or at work that she would call me in the morning.
The next morning her mom asked me to call her.
So I did and that's when she said it out loud into the universe
Latoia was gone.
The rest of that phone call seemed like a blur. I just wanted off the call. Hearing her moms voice was killing me.
Then we hung up. The rest went black.
I only remember my husband coming into the room and picking me up off the floor and rocking back and forth with me. My heart was broken. She was gone really gone.
I just kept saying I should have called her I should have called her.
And how I wish I could make that call now. I would do anything to have just sent that damn text.
Would it have changed anything probably not but she would have known how much I loved her.
Laying her in the ground was even harder. I just kept expecting her to jump and up and laugh and tell everyone she was just testing us.
I stayed till the last bit of dirt was thrown on that grave. You are not suppose to bury your 30 year old bestfriend weeks before her birthday.
She will never get married
She will never have kids
She will never grow old
She will never text me
She will never say I love you
She will never hold her mother
She will never sing at the top of her lungs in the car again.
She will never hold my babies
She will never watch them grow.
I will never hear her laugh
I will never hug her
I will never lay my head in her lap again.
I will never sing with her again.
I will never watch her face when I tell her a joke.
Pain.... That's what I feel when I think of that.
Let me tell you a little bit about Latoia
She was so funny! She made me laugh all the time. I would write down stuff she would say sometimes because it was literally that funny.
She could draw! She was very talented. She could sing. We loved to sing together driving down the road!
One time we skipped school just to drive to Kentucky to go shopping lol. We ended up getting off the smiths grove exit and finding a random field we both looked at each other jumped out and took off running into the snow! I'll never forget that day.She loved the sun!!!! We would spend most our summers laying by the pool. She would turn this beautiful color and I would end up getting burnt. She would make fun of me after that.
She loved to get pampered! She was always getting her hair and nails done. She loved to give. She was always getting me stuff just because it reminded her of me while she was at the store. I was always getting all kinds of awesome pig stuff.
We loved doing random things. There where many times we would just pack our bags and go to gatlinburg.
We would stay up all night laughing about our old apartment or something we had done when we where younger.
The last time we went on a trip together it was to gatlinburg. It was spur of the moment and we ended up staying in some cheap hotel. We went to bed at 10 but for some reason we both woke up at the same time at 2 am. So we just started talking. We ended up laughing so hard that someone called the front desk on us for making to much noise. That's just what we did. That trip and those memories will stay with me forever.
Just like the time we had partied really hard one Saturday (we where 17 at the time oops lol) so that sunday her parents went to Kentucky to see her moms family. So I went over to keep her company.i grabbed as much junk food as I could and brought it with me. We watched gone with the wind for hours Curled up on the couch together in our sweats stuffing our faces. We picked out our prom dresses together. She loved Halloween and fall.
I will cherish every memory I have with her. Even the bad because at least she was here.
I miss her so much already. I wish I could tell her that. I wish I would have made the phone call when I felt something was wrong.
Tell your loved ones how much you love them. Hug them! If you feel the need to text them DO IT!! Don't put it off.
I was 15 years old when I first met Latoia
Watching gone with the wind
I will miss her so much!!!!!
Until we meet again-ASH
