Finding peace among the waves

I always try to reflect on my year and boy can this year go straight to hell lol.
I would probably rate this year in my top 5 worse years I have ever had. I never knew what waves of grief truly felt like. What is really means to have the ever loving wind knocked out of you just by smelling an old perfume. What is feels like to want to claw your brain out just for a few peaceful moments.

I've touched briefly at the being of the year about my best friends passing. Someone who I have been friends with for half my life... HALF!
I use to spend EVERYDAY with this person for years! Before I had my only family she was all I had. From the time I was 16 till about 20 we literally spent every.single.day. Together. We lived together, we went through some tough shit together, cried together and boy did we laugh together. It wasnt until about the time I turned 25 that I really had to step away from her. That doesn't mean I didn't spend everyday talking to her. I just couldn't be around her until she could clean up her act. And like I said before beyond a shadow of a doubt those last few weeks of her life she finally wanted to be clean. She wanted to be set free.

But waves come and I feel like I'm drowning again. I feel like I literally can't breath. When I think about the fact that she literally is no longer alive. That she knows what it's like to be dead. She knows what is on the other side. That the person I would ride in the car with singing at the top of our lungs is no longer of this world. She experienced this life and now she is experiencing the other. She knows if there is a heaven or hell. It just such a hard concept to think about that I start shaking. She knows if there is a bright light! someone I spent everyday with is on the other side. Untouchable until I get to see her again. Silenced until I get to hear her voice again. And then I get so angry. How can this be? How can a 30 year old girl be gone. Therapy has taught me about the 5 stages of guilt..

The five stages of guilt:
Denial-
Anger-
Bargaining-
Depression
Acceptance-

Shew denial... I've def been in denial. Even burying her I still was waiting for her to hop up and say kidding. I think said 20000 times this isn't happening this can't be happening. This didn't happen.

Then comes the anger. God knows the anger I have felt. I'm angry with her for leaving me (like she had a choice) for not loving herself like I loved her. Anger at god for letting this happen. Anger at people who say oh she is in a better place because the only place I want her is here.

Bargaining. If only I would have been there. If only I would have Called her that day. If only we hadn't have moved into that apartment things would have been different. But they wouldn't have. Things would have happened exactly how they did. There was nothing I could do about that. I loved her as hard as any friend could love another. I spent my days worrying about her all the time. I checked in on her even when she didn't have a clue I was. I had to learn there was nothing more I could have done. That doesn't make the guilt of her death any easier though.

Depression. And boy did the depression hit.HARD. Like I said above do you know how hard it is to know that the person you spent every single day with is gone. GONE! She won't watch your kids grow up and you won't watch her ever have any. I won't watch her get married. I won't even get to see what she would look like old. She knows what the other side is like. She is so far ahead of me and out of my reach now. I will never hear her laugh again or sing again or dance again and that is such a hard fucking thing to wrap your brain around.
She won't celebrate another Halloween (her favorite holiday) or Christmas or birthday. All that is no more and that took a hard role on me. Mix that in with what my therapist calls survivors guilt (that I'm going to keep to myself why I have survivors guilt. Can spill you all my secrets) and it was a mix for a disastrous heartache. I'm just now starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel but it will always be a dim light because she is still gone and will always be gone.

Acceptance. I'll let you know how that goes when it finally happens. Because how do you except that your best friend is dead. How do you accept that?

See... I have a fear of dying. I know, I know how stupid is that because there isn't much I can do to control that. We are all gonna go at some point. But it just terrifies me. Leaving me kids. Venturing into the great unknown. I have faith in going to heaven but what if that doesn't exist. So to have someone so close to you have your worst fear happen is so scary. I never thought I would miss her as much as I do. Don't get me wrong I always knew if anything happen to her it would break my heart... but I had no idea how upside down it would turn my life. The pain I feel in my chest when I think about her can be unbearable at times.
And when that wave hits and the tears just won't stop... I get in my car and put on my cd she made me and drive to the arbor apartments and I sit outside apartment 404. And I lose it. I let myself grieve. (Sorry people who live in 404 who probably think I'm a creeper but don't call the cops! Lol) but I just feel closer to her there. That's where some of the best memories I ever had with her are. That small little apartment on the right side of the arbors changed my life. When it was just me and her against the world. Where we would bring Ocharleys back to because we didn't know how to cook or have any pots and pans. Where we would lay on the floor with all the blankets we owned and watched the MTV tapes her mom would record for us because we couldn't afford cable. Where we had 5 poster boards in our living room full of funny quotes we had. Where in her bed room upstairs was a wall that was painted pink around the furniture because she didn't want to move it so if you looked behind the dresser you would see the white part of the wall.
And I cry because I know there won't be any more memories to be made with her. Our time on earth together had ended.
I do find joy in the fact that I do feel her everyday. In songs on the radio they come on even when they don't play that song anymore.
When my kids celebrated her favorite holiday Halloween I know she wouldn't miss that.
I know that days will keep rolling forward and I can't stop that. I can't stop that the days move further past the last time I talked to her. But I know they are moving forward to the next time I get to see her again.

Until we meet again-ASH

Spread your wings and fly...

Loss... 

It's like a blow to the face

A kick in the gut

It's like feeling the earth spin round while it feels like it's standing still.

It's feeling your heart in your throat.

It's crying a river of tears and drowning in them.

It's like riding a merry go round you can't get off of.

Up and down round and round.

It's feeling like screaming while your mouth won't open. 

It's awful, it's horrific, it's scary and it's painful but it's part of life.

Loss... 

I met Latoia when I was 15 years old. She had a laugh that was so contagious. I use to do stuff just to hear her laugh. We where inseparable. We went EVERYWHERE together. On Friday and Saturday I would wait outside her work for her to get off. By 18 we got our first apartment together. That time in our lives it was just us against the world. Latoia was very headstrong. What she thought is what she said. She never held anything back which sometimes wasn't always a positive lol but it was something I always admired about her. She was always there for me.

When me and Chris went on our first date we got into a horrible wreck. I can't remember if I text or called Latoia but within mins she was standing infront of me. She held my hand till the ambulance came and then followed the ambulance to the hospital, she never left my side the whole time. She even brought me balloons flowers and a duck lol. That was her. She could rip you apart with her words then put you back together with kindness. I loved her so much.

But with life comes hardships and sometimes those hardships get the best of you. When my first son was born I had to let go of latoias hand. I had to allow her to find her own way. I needed her to love herself as much as I loved her. 

But the truth is since we where 15 years old I couldn't let her just be. I would worry about her all the time. She was always blowing caution to the wind and I was always trying to calm the storm. I would text her just to check up on her all the time. She would laugh and tell me she was fine and that she loved me and not to worry. But I never stopped worrying. I would wake up in the middle of the night and check facebook to see when the last time she was active was or recently check snapchat. Anything that would let me know where she was. Especially the last few years I would pace the floor looking for any sign of her. She would then text me and tell me to calm down. I just loved her so much the thought of anything ever happening  to her made me sick. 

And then....

I had noticed Latoia hadn't snapped me in a few days. The panic started to set in. 

Latoia always said we where in tune with each other because there where many times when we wouldn't be talking and something would happen to one of us and we would just know. I would text her and tell her I knew she was mad at me but I had a weird feeling and she would tell me she had just had a seizure or she has just got out of the hospital. We would cry and tell each other how sorry we where. And go right back to being us..... 

But this feeling was different. It was hard to shake. On Monday January 30th I told my husband I hadnt heard from Latoia in a few days and I was starting to worry. I was almost in tears as I told him something felt off. He calmed me down and told me to text her. I said no I would just text her later in the week... God how I wish I could take that moment back. The next day the anxiety increased. I thought about her the whole day. I wondered where she was and what she was doing. Pride got in the way as I convinced myself she was a grown woman and she is so strong that I know she could take care of herself. The first she still hasn't been on any social media but I let it go. 

Then that night I was sitting on the couch and my bestfriend Amie text me. 

The text said did Latoia pass away...

My heart stopped! The floor felt much closer to my face then it was suppose to be. I immediately felt sick. 

I knew in my gut I knew. But I refused to believe it. I told her No. That there was no way. I began calling latoias phone over and over and over again. Each time it went to voicemail I would scream out loud No. By the 20th time I was on my knees on the floor sobbing. I still refused to believe it. I just kept telling myself she was asleep or at work that she would call me in the morning. 

The next morning her mom asked me to call her. 

So I did and that's when she said it out loud into the universe 

Latoia was gone.

The rest of that phone call seemed like a blur. I just wanted off the call. Hearing her moms voice was killing me. 

Then we hung up. The rest went black.

I only remember my husband coming into the room and picking me up off the floor and rocking back and forth with me. My heart was broken. She was gone really gone. 

I just kept saying I should have called her I should have called her.

And how I wish I could make that call now. I would do anything to have just sent that damn text. 

Would it have changed anything probably not but she would have known how much I loved her. 

Laying her in the ground was even harder. I just kept expecting her to jump and up and laugh and tell everyone she was just testing us.

I stayed till the last bit of dirt was thrown on that grave. You are not suppose to bury your 30 year old bestfriend weeks before her birthday.

She will never get married

She will never have kids

She will never grow old

She will never text me

She will never say I love you

She will never hold her mother

She will never sing at the top of her lungs in the car again.

She will never hold my babies

She will never watch them grow.

I will never hear her laugh 

I will never hug her

I will never lay my head in her lap again.

I will never sing with her again.

I will never watch her face when I tell her a joke.

Pain.... That's what I feel when I think of that.

Let me tell you a little bit about Latoia

She was so funny! She made me laugh all the time. I would write down stuff she would say sometimes because it was literally that funny.

She could draw! She was very talented. She could sing. We loved to sing together driving down the road!

One time we skipped school just to drive to Kentucky to go shopping lol. We ended up getting off the smiths grove exit and finding a random field we both looked at each other jumped out and took off running into the snow! I'll never forget that day.She loved the sun!!!! We would spend most our summers laying by the pool. She would turn this beautiful color and I would end up getting burnt. She would make fun of me after that.

She loved to get pampered! She was always getting her hair and nails done. She loved to give. She was always getting me stuff just because it reminded her of me while she was at the store. I was always getting all kinds of awesome pig stuff.

We loved doing random things. There where many times we would just pack our bags and go to gatlinburg.

We would stay up all night laughing about our old apartment or something we had done when we where younger. 

The last time we went on a trip together it was to gatlinburg. It was spur of the moment and we ended up staying in some cheap hotel. We went to bed at 10 but for some reason we both woke up at the same time at 2 am. So we just started talking. We ended up laughing so hard that someone called the front desk on us for making to much noise. That's just what we did. That trip and those memories will stay with me forever. 

Just like the time we had partied really hard one Saturday (we where 17 at the time oops lol) so that sunday her parents went to Kentucky to see her moms family. So I went over to keep her company.i grabbed as much junk food as I could and brought it with me. We watched gone with the wind for hours   Curled up on the couch together in our sweats stuffing our faces. We picked out our prom dresses together. She loved Halloween and fall. 

I will cherish every memory I have with her. Even the bad because at least she was here. 

I miss her so much already. I wish I could tell her that. I wish I would have made the phone call when I felt something was wrong. 

Tell your loved ones how much you love them. Hug them! If you feel the need to text them DO IT!! Don't put it off. 

I was 15 years old when I first met Latoia

Watching gone with the wind

Linkin park concert! We got there at 7am in the cold to get front row seats. We did :) 

I will miss her so much!!!!!

Until we meet again-ASH

My hospital bag.

Hello my sweet lovies!

I have been absent but for a very good reason! 

I gave birth to two very sweet 7 pound twins December the 13th!!!!!!!!! 

They are all I could have ever imagine plus more. It's been a wild ride but oh so amazing. 

I had to have another c-section and tubal removal. My doctor told me I would be I the hospital for at least 5 days so I packed my bad accordingly (okay over packed my bag accordingly ha!)

Here is what I packed and some reasons why I packed them:

From left to right:

Polaroid camera: We did this when Memphis was first born and we ended up loving how that turned out. We took a picture of everyone who came to visit her. Some where taken when they weren't paying attention which turned into great candids! My sister bought it for me I believe at best buy.

Planner: I mean hello twins ha! It has helped us out a lot on keeping up with feedings and how many ounces they are taking and when and where Im suppose to be... now if only it would change them and cook everyone dinner. I bought it off zulily

toiletries: I took body wash,shampoo conditioner, dry shampoo, makeup,tooth brush, mouth wash,  anything that would make me feel better lol. 
I do my makeup and hair before I go into a c-section. It the only thing normal in that whole day filled with people wiping your ass and seeing you at your lowest but least they can say "Hey that girls eyebrows where on point!!"
  So I like to continue to do my makeup and hair and shower while on the hospital to still keep that feeling of normal.  Is it vain? probably, do I care? Not at all.

Depends.. also know as adult diapers: without getting into to may details.... they are a lifesaver.  Im not a huge fan of those wonderful mesh panties and pads the size of a landing strip they give you in the hospital. so for my second c-section someone told me to get them so I did and hello world of difference.  Its so hard to move around while your in the hospital and its nice to have something that stays in place while your trying to move around the hospital room while doing your best impression of the hunchback of Notre Dame.

house shoes: I took my snuggly boots because that hospital room was coooolllddddddd. they helped my feet stay nice and warm because as soon as my feet get cold I get the shivers and nothing is worse than shivering while trying to recover from having surgery. They are sketchers brand but bought at Marshalls.

Pajamas: I got a bunch of loose fitting pajamas on sale on black friday from old navy and Kohls.  As soon as I could throw off that hospital gown I did. My son even picked me out some batman ones.

Robe: It was nice to have when your trying to get to and from the bathroom or just taking a stroll down the hall in your pajamas to make you seem less like a bum. I got mine off of zulily but it was from pink blush. Then my husband took it to get monogram for me because Im a nutcase who has to have everything pretty much monogrammed.

Socks: I got socks that had gel on the foot. oh my god clouds!!! They are magical. Bought at Walmart.


for the babies:
I didn't take a picture of their bags before we left because it got incredibly hectic before we went in but I packed for them:
*onesies
*pacifiers
*socks
*twin pillow
*bottles
*thick blankets

diapers and wipes and formula are all provided for us at our hospital so we didn't pack any of that.

extras we packed:
* My pillow!!! I cant sleep on anything other than my pillow!
*thick blanket because the only blanket they provide for you in the hospital feels as thin paper.
*snacks because nothing is worse than hospital food!!!
*phone charger
*batteries for camera 
* I know some people like to pack their own towel. I forgot mine an immediately regretted it when they gave me sand paper they tried to pass off as a towel. 


thats pretty much it. I dont pack like Im going top the bahamas because my goal every time I have gone is to get in have healthy babies then get the hell out of there! This time we had to stay 3 nights... it was torture... but I had healthy babies and was able to heal myself as well. 

what all did you pack in your hospital bag?

until we meet again-ASH