Dirty thirty

Yesterday I celebrated my 30th birthday.... 30!!!!!!!!!

I can't belive my 20's are gone.

My 20th birthday started with my celebrating the day with Chris. We where just friends and the time. But they ended with me celebrating with him. I sure do love that man.

He organized a birthday dinner for me Saturday with my family and friends and it was a blast.

Sunday my sister came over and made my favorite dinner.

And my husband took me to my favorite burger joint, Gabbys, on my birthday with my two babies.

In my twenties

I got married.

I had two babies.

I lost a lot of loved ones.

I lost a few friends.

But gained some life long ones.

I held new babies that where prayed so hard for.

I laughed.

I cried.

I danced.

I sang.

So here's to thirty!!!!! I have a feeling this year is going to be an interesting one!

Celebrating the day with my loves.

My amazing husband. 

U til we meet again- ASH

Grief

Grief

It knows no time of day.

It hits whenever it feels like it.

Driving down a certain street

Hearing a certain song

A certain word in a conversation

A bible verse you haven't heard in years.

It's like a flood.

Like being struck by lightning.

Being ran over a truck.

Fast and quick.

It brings you to your knees.

Like wanting to crawl under the covers and never resurface.

I'm having a hard time lately with grief.

My aunt in the past few years has become such a strong presence in my life that not having her a phone call away has felt like hell some days.

She was always the one I called when I need some prayers. 

It's been such an adventurous year so far and it's only May and I can't share those things with her.

That's when the flood hits. The reassurance that's she's no longer there. Gone. 

I feel so selfish because I want her here. 

I need her here.

When I realize she never met Memphis.

Or that Jack will never go and pull out another toy and stroll it across her living room.

That's hard stuff. More so than I ever realized. 

I'm angry because I just don't understand.

I don't understand why I lost my own mother at an early age. 

Why both my grandparents are gone from this earth as well.

Grief.

When Mother's Day rolls around.

When Christmas rolls around.

The look on my dads face when he realizes just how alone he is as well.

Grief. Such an ugly sneaky thing.

Works on its on time. Never when you expect it.