Finding peace among the waves

I always try to reflect on my year and boy can this year go straight to hell lol.
I would probably rate this year in my top 5 worse years I have ever had. I never knew what waves of grief truly felt like. What is really means to have the ever loving wind knocked out of you just by smelling an old perfume. What is feels like to want to claw your brain out just for a few peaceful moments.

I've touched briefly at the being of the year about my best friends passing. Someone who I have been friends with for half my life... HALF!
I use to spend EVERYDAY with this person for years! Before I had my only family she was all I had. From the time I was 16 till about 20 we literally spent every.single.day. Together. We lived together, we went through some tough shit together, cried together and boy did we laugh together. It wasnt until about the time I turned 25 that I really had to step away from her. That doesn't mean I didn't spend everyday talking to her. I just couldn't be around her until she could clean up her act. And like I said before beyond a shadow of a doubt those last few weeks of her life she finally wanted to be clean. She wanted to be set free.

But waves come and I feel like I'm drowning again. I feel like I literally can't breath. When I think about the fact that she literally is no longer alive. That she knows what it's like to be dead. She knows what is on the other side. That the person I would ride in the car with singing at the top of our lungs is no longer of this world. She experienced this life and now she is experiencing the other. She knows if there is a heaven or hell. It just such a hard concept to think about that I start shaking. She knows if there is a bright light! someone I spent everyday with is on the other side. Untouchable until I get to see her again. Silenced until I get to hear her voice again. And then I get so angry. How can this be? How can a 30 year old girl be gone. Therapy has taught me about the 5 stages of guilt..

The five stages of guilt:
Denial-
Anger-
Bargaining-
Depression
Acceptance-

Shew denial... I've def been in denial. Even burying her I still was waiting for her to hop up and say kidding. I think said 20000 times this isn't happening this can't be happening. This didn't happen.

Then comes the anger. God knows the anger I have felt. I'm angry with her for leaving me (like she had a choice) for not loving herself like I loved her. Anger at god for letting this happen. Anger at people who say oh she is in a better place because the only place I want her is here.

Bargaining. If only I would have been there. If only I would have Called her that day. If only we hadn't have moved into that apartment things would have been different. But they wouldn't have. Things would have happened exactly how they did. There was nothing I could do about that. I loved her as hard as any friend could love another. I spent my days worrying about her all the time. I checked in on her even when she didn't have a clue I was. I had to learn there was nothing more I could have done. That doesn't make the guilt of her death any easier though.

Depression. And boy did the depression hit.HARD. Like I said above do you know how hard it is to know that the person you spent every single day with is gone. GONE! She won't watch your kids grow up and you won't watch her ever have any. I won't watch her get married. I won't even get to see what she would look like old. She knows what the other side is like. She is so far ahead of me and out of my reach now. I will never hear her laugh again or sing again or dance again and that is such a hard fucking thing to wrap your brain around.
She won't celebrate another Halloween (her favorite holiday) or Christmas or birthday. All that is no more and that took a hard role on me. Mix that in with what my therapist calls survivors guilt (that I'm going to keep to myself why I have survivors guilt. Can spill you all my secrets) and it was a mix for a disastrous heartache. I'm just now starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel but it will always be a dim light because she is still gone and will always be gone.

Acceptance. I'll let you know how that goes when it finally happens. Because how do you except that your best friend is dead. How do you accept that?

See... I have a fear of dying. I know, I know how stupid is that because there isn't much I can do to control that. We are all gonna go at some point. But it just terrifies me. Leaving me kids. Venturing into the great unknown. I have faith in going to heaven but what if that doesn't exist. So to have someone so close to you have your worst fear happen is so scary. I never thought I would miss her as much as I do. Don't get me wrong I always knew if anything happen to her it would break my heart... but I had no idea how upside down it would turn my life. The pain I feel in my chest when I think about her can be unbearable at times.
And when that wave hits and the tears just won't stop... I get in my car and put on my cd she made me and drive to the arbor apartments and I sit outside apartment 404. And I lose it. I let myself grieve. (Sorry people who live in 404 who probably think I'm a creeper but don't call the cops! Lol) but I just feel closer to her there. That's where some of the best memories I ever had with her are. That small little apartment on the right side of the arbors changed my life. When it was just me and her against the world. Where we would bring Ocharleys back to because we didn't know how to cook or have any pots and pans. Where we would lay on the floor with all the blankets we owned and watched the MTV tapes her mom would record for us because we couldn't afford cable. Where we had 5 poster boards in our living room full of funny quotes we had. Where in her bed room upstairs was a wall that was painted pink around the furniture because she didn't want to move it so if you looked behind the dresser you would see the white part of the wall.
And I cry because I know there won't be any more memories to be made with her. Our time on earth together had ended.
I do find joy in the fact that I do feel her everyday. In songs on the radio they come on even when they don't play that song anymore.
When my kids celebrated her favorite holiday Halloween I know she wouldn't miss that.
I know that days will keep rolling forward and I can't stop that. I can't stop that the days move further past the last time I talked to her. But I know they are moving forward to the next time I get to see her again.

Until we meet again-ASH

Spread your wings and fly...

Loss... 

It's like a blow to the face

A kick in the gut

It's like feeling the earth spin round while it feels like it's standing still.

It's feeling your heart in your throat.

It's crying a river of tears and drowning in them.

It's like riding a merry go round you can't get off of.

Up and down round and round.

It's feeling like screaming while your mouth won't open. 

It's awful, it's horrific, it's scary and it's painful but it's part of life.

Loss... 

I met Latoia when I was 15 years old. She had a laugh that was so contagious. I use to do stuff just to hear her laugh. We where inseparable. We went EVERYWHERE together. On Friday and Saturday I would wait outside her work for her to get off. By 18 we got our first apartment together. That time in our lives it was just us against the world. Latoia was very headstrong. What she thought is what she said. She never held anything back which sometimes wasn't always a positive lol but it was something I always admired about her. She was always there for me.

When me and Chris went on our first date we got into a horrible wreck. I can't remember if I text or called Latoia but within mins she was standing infront of me. She held my hand till the ambulance came and then followed the ambulance to the hospital, she never left my side the whole time. She even brought me balloons flowers and a duck lol. That was her. She could rip you apart with her words then put you back together with kindness. I loved her so much.

But with life comes hardships and sometimes those hardships get the best of you. When my first son was born I had to let go of latoias hand. I had to allow her to find her own way. I needed her to love herself as much as I loved her. 

But the truth is since we where 15 years old I couldn't let her just be. I would worry about her all the time. She was always blowing caution to the wind and I was always trying to calm the storm. I would text her just to check up on her all the time. She would laugh and tell me she was fine and that she loved me and not to worry. But I never stopped worrying. I would wake up in the middle of the night and check facebook to see when the last time she was active was or recently check snapchat. Anything that would let me know where she was. Especially the last few years I would pace the floor looking for any sign of her. She would then text me and tell me to calm down. I just loved her so much the thought of anything ever happening  to her made me sick. 

And then....

I had noticed Latoia hadn't snapped me in a few days. The panic started to set in. 

Latoia always said we where in tune with each other because there where many times when we wouldn't be talking and something would happen to one of us and we would just know. I would text her and tell her I knew she was mad at me but I had a weird feeling and she would tell me she had just had a seizure or she has just got out of the hospital. We would cry and tell each other how sorry we where. And go right back to being us..... 

But this feeling was different. It was hard to shake. On Monday January 30th I told my husband I hadnt heard from Latoia in a few days and I was starting to worry. I was almost in tears as I told him something felt off. He calmed me down and told me to text her. I said no I would just text her later in the week... God how I wish I could take that moment back. The next day the anxiety increased. I thought about her the whole day. I wondered where she was and what she was doing. Pride got in the way as I convinced myself she was a grown woman and she is so strong that I know she could take care of herself. The first she still hasn't been on any social media but I let it go. 

Then that night I was sitting on the couch and my bestfriend Amie text me. 

The text said did Latoia pass away...

My heart stopped! The floor felt much closer to my face then it was suppose to be. I immediately felt sick. 

I knew in my gut I knew. But I refused to believe it. I told her No. That there was no way. I began calling latoias phone over and over and over again. Each time it went to voicemail I would scream out loud No. By the 20th time I was on my knees on the floor sobbing. I still refused to believe it. I just kept telling myself she was asleep or at work that she would call me in the morning. 

The next morning her mom asked me to call her. 

So I did and that's when she said it out loud into the universe 

Latoia was gone.

The rest of that phone call seemed like a blur. I just wanted off the call. Hearing her moms voice was killing me. 

Then we hung up. The rest went black.

I only remember my husband coming into the room and picking me up off the floor and rocking back and forth with me. My heart was broken. She was gone really gone. 

I just kept saying I should have called her I should have called her.

And how I wish I could make that call now. I would do anything to have just sent that damn text. 

Would it have changed anything probably not but she would have known how much I loved her. 

Laying her in the ground was even harder. I just kept expecting her to jump and up and laugh and tell everyone she was just testing us.

I stayed till the last bit of dirt was thrown on that grave. You are not suppose to bury your 30 year old bestfriend weeks before her birthday.

She will never get married

She will never have kids

She will never grow old

She will never text me

She will never say I love you

She will never hold her mother

She will never sing at the top of her lungs in the car again.

She will never hold my babies

She will never watch them grow.

I will never hear her laugh 

I will never hug her

I will never lay my head in her lap again.

I will never sing with her again.

I will never watch her face when I tell her a joke.

Pain.... That's what I feel when I think of that.

Let me tell you a little bit about Latoia

She was so funny! She made me laugh all the time. I would write down stuff she would say sometimes because it was literally that funny.

She could draw! She was very talented. She could sing. We loved to sing together driving down the road!

One time we skipped school just to drive to Kentucky to go shopping lol. We ended up getting off the smiths grove exit and finding a random field we both looked at each other jumped out and took off running into the snow! I'll never forget that day.She loved the sun!!!! We would spend most our summers laying by the pool. She would turn this beautiful color and I would end up getting burnt. She would make fun of me after that.

She loved to get pampered! She was always getting her hair and nails done. She loved to give. She was always getting me stuff just because it reminded her of me while she was at the store. I was always getting all kinds of awesome pig stuff.

We loved doing random things. There where many times we would just pack our bags and go to gatlinburg.

We would stay up all night laughing about our old apartment or something we had done when we where younger. 

The last time we went on a trip together it was to gatlinburg. It was spur of the moment and we ended up staying in some cheap hotel. We went to bed at 10 but for some reason we both woke up at the same time at 2 am. So we just started talking. We ended up laughing so hard that someone called the front desk on us for making to much noise. That's just what we did. That trip and those memories will stay with me forever. 

Just like the time we had partied really hard one Saturday (we where 17 at the time oops lol) so that sunday her parents went to Kentucky to see her moms family. So I went over to keep her company.i grabbed as much junk food as I could and brought it with me. We watched gone with the wind for hours   Curled up on the couch together in our sweats stuffing our faces. We picked out our prom dresses together. She loved Halloween and fall. 

I will cherish every memory I have with her. Even the bad because at least she was here. 

I miss her so much already. I wish I could tell her that. I wish I would have made the phone call when I felt something was wrong. 

Tell your loved ones how much you love them. Hug them! If you feel the need to text them DO IT!! Don't put it off. 

I was 15 years old when I first met Latoia

Watching gone with the wind

Linkin park concert! We got there at 7am in the cold to get front row seats. We did :) 

I will miss her so much!!!!!

Until we meet again-ASH

My hospital bag.

Hello my sweet lovies!

I have been absent but for a very good reason! 

I gave birth to two very sweet 7 pound twins December the 13th!!!!!!!!! 

They are all I could have ever imagine plus more. It's been a wild ride but oh so amazing. 

I had to have another c-section and tubal removal. My doctor told me I would be I the hospital for at least 5 days so I packed my bad accordingly (okay over packed my bag accordingly ha!)

Here is what I packed and some reasons why I packed them:

From left to right:

Polaroid camera: We did this when Memphis was first born and we ended up loving how that turned out. We took a picture of everyone who came to visit her. Some where taken when they weren't paying attention which turned into great candids! My sister bought it for me I believe at best buy.

Planner: I mean hello twins ha! It has helped us out a lot on keeping up with feedings and how many ounces they are taking and when and where Im suppose to be... now if only it would change them and cook everyone dinner. I bought it off zulily

toiletries: I took body wash,shampoo conditioner, dry shampoo, makeup,tooth brush, mouth wash,  anything that would make me feel better lol. 
I do my makeup and hair before I go into a c-section. It the only thing normal in that whole day filled with people wiping your ass and seeing you at your lowest but least they can say "Hey that girls eyebrows where on point!!"
  So I like to continue to do my makeup and hair and shower while on the hospital to still keep that feeling of normal.  Is it vain? probably, do I care? Not at all.

Depends.. also know as adult diapers: without getting into to may details.... they are a lifesaver.  Im not a huge fan of those wonderful mesh panties and pads the size of a landing strip they give you in the hospital. so for my second c-section someone told me to get them so I did and hello world of difference.  Its so hard to move around while your in the hospital and its nice to have something that stays in place while your trying to move around the hospital room while doing your best impression of the hunchback of Notre Dame.

house shoes: I took my snuggly boots because that hospital room was coooolllddddddd. they helped my feet stay nice and warm because as soon as my feet get cold I get the shivers and nothing is worse than shivering while trying to recover from having surgery. They are sketchers brand but bought at Marshalls.

Pajamas: I got a bunch of loose fitting pajamas on sale on black friday from old navy and Kohls.  As soon as I could throw off that hospital gown I did. My son even picked me out some batman ones.

Robe: It was nice to have when your trying to get to and from the bathroom or just taking a stroll down the hall in your pajamas to make you seem less like a bum. I got mine off of zulily but it was from pink blush. Then my husband took it to get monogram for me because Im a nutcase who has to have everything pretty much monogrammed.

Socks: I got socks that had gel on the foot. oh my god clouds!!! They are magical. Bought at Walmart.


for the babies:
I didn't take a picture of their bags before we left because it got incredibly hectic before we went in but I packed for them:
*onesies
*pacifiers
*socks
*twin pillow
*bottles
*thick blankets

diapers and wipes and formula are all provided for us at our hospital so we didn't pack any of that.

extras we packed:
* My pillow!!! I cant sleep on anything other than my pillow!
*thick blanket because the only blanket they provide for you in the hospital feels as thin paper.
*snacks because nothing is worse than hospital food!!!
*phone charger
*batteries for camera 
* I know some people like to pack their own towel. I forgot mine an immediately regretted it when they gave me sand paper they tried to pass off as a towel. 


thats pretty much it. I dont pack like Im going top the bahamas because my goal every time I have gone is to get in have healthy babies then get the hell out of there! This time we had to stay 3 nights... it was torture... but I had healthy babies and was able to heal myself as well. 

what all did you pack in your hospital bag?

until we meet again-ASH

Good nights meal.... Meatloaf and chicken and dumplings,

Tonight I wanted a good down home southern cooked meal! So into the kitchen I went! I wanted meatloaf and chicken and dumplings. I knew that the meatloaf would take the longest. Now disclaimer..... 

I Am not a cook nor do I act like one or even think people want to eat my food ha! 

But it's always nice to have some food ideas for when we get into food ruts. 

Meatloaf:

I start off by preheating the over to 350. 

I then chop up one whole onion and set it aside. (I like onion so feel free to use how much your comfortable with.) 

Next I put meat in a bowl.

(I get a small lean meat log from Walmart cost about 4 bucks. )

Add 1 egg

Add 1 cup milk

Add 1 to 2 cups crushed crackers depending on if you want you loaf a little dry or a little wet.

1/2 cup ketchup 

Salt and pepper. And I add seasoning salt because I love it! Mix all ingredients together until blender thoroughly. Put into loaf pan or casserole dish whatever you have handy and put in oven for about 50 mins.

I don't put my ketchup on top until the very end. After 50 mins take out of the oven and put ketchup on top. Put back in for 10 more minutes. And wha la meatloaf should be done but always check with a meat thermometer to be on the safe side if you like.

Next up stove top chicken and dumplings: 

First I boil 2 whole organic chicken breast. It doesn't take very long at all. I always add a pinch of salt to the water. When thats done I shred the chicken (I put that in my handy dandy mixer and let it do the job) 

I then pour half the water out but keep enough to cover the bottom of the pot. I then 

Add 1 can chicken broth

1 can cream of chicken 

2 cans cream of mushroom (it's my fav)

1can green beans because my granny did.

1 can mushrooms (sometimes because my husband doesn't really like them)

Then add the shredded chicken.

I let that cook together for about 20 mins stirring occasionally.

After the 20 mins I add the biscuits. I just use a can of grand biscuits. I know shameful. I cut one biscuit into 4 equal squares and drop them in one at a time. After all biscuits have been dropped I let them cook for 15 mins stirring occasionally.  It's stupid simple.

Meatloaf got a tad browner on the bottom than usual but I kinda like it like that. Lol.

Easy chicken and dumplings. 

A nice meal of comfort foods that cured my pregnancy cravings. And I have dumplings left over for me and Jack to eat again. 

Like I said I just enjoy cooking now weather I'm good at it is up for debate but my family eats it with no complaints so that's all that matters right lol!!!! 

Hope you enjoy and feel free to share your favorite recipes. 

Until we meet again-ASH 

Memphis turned one!!!

My sweet little doll face turned one! Holy crap lol! I had so much fun planning her birthday with it being so close to Halloween. We decided to go with a pumpkin patch/ trick or treat party. We had all her little friends dress up and we had a blast. I think she really enjoyed her first birthday and her cake! 

Here's a little bit about our girl from her first year of living. 

Memphis:

Nickname is flash. I'm 

Or ma'am grabby hands.

Loves Anything pumpkin.

Hates shoes.

Has a high pitched Mariah Carey scream she loves to do mostly at the most inappropriate times.

Loves to be in the water more than anything else.

Likes to scream "ack ack ack ack ack ack ack" at her brother when he's sleeping in the car then when he wakes up she laughs. 

Loves to dance.

Likes to pull her daddys beard when he wont give her Cheetos.

Likes to pull her daddy's chest hair when he puts her to sleep just to remind him who's boss. 

Has never slept past 9 in her whole year of living. 

Really enjoys having her picture taken. 

Likes to sit on her brothers toys when he makes her mad. 

Loves to cuddle with her momma when Jack isn't around, she can't let him know she's a softy.

Jack likes to call her his "m&m girl because those are his favorite and so is she."

She sometimes falls over on her back and immediately becomes a turtle and forgets how to move. 

Prefers her Papa and pop pop over everyone. 

Can play a mean instrument using only the back of her hand. 

Hates her car seat.

Eats:

Cheetos like they are the last thing on the planet!

Pumpkin 

Strawberries

Can say: 

Momma 

Dada 

Ack (Jack)

Party:

We spent allllooottttt of money of Jacks first birthday from the smash cake to the decorations and all that jazz. What I realized in the end was that was such a waste. We could have set that money aside and bought Jack the things he really needed. So this time around I wanted Memphis to have the best birthday but not spend a ton like we did before. We where able to get her the things we felt like she really needed and still made out with an incredibly fun birthday! Me and my mom ended up making her a pumpkin cake! It was delicious! I also hit up my favorite store for decorations.... The dollar tree. I spent about 30 bucks all together and all the sweet babes got their own  pumpkins to decorate and take home. Plus we got lots of great decor that we can use again for next year. Not to mention we got Skelton hand salad tongs that are in my kitchen for year round use lol.

Me and my mom made Memphis cake and it did not disappoint! It was delicious. 

•we used a bunt cake pan and cooked two yellow cakes.

•we let them cool and the cut the bottom half of the cake in half so they would lay even.

•we then put a layer of icing in the middle.

•we iced the cake with store bought icing even though it wasn't as orange as we hoped.

•I'm not a chocolate fan or like letting my kids eat chocolate so I mixed a little white icing with brown food coloring to make the brown for the stem. 

•then we coated an ice cream cone with the brown icing and wha la!!! 

She was ready!

Memphis pumpkin patch. 

Pumpkin decorating station 

Pumpkin decorating station

She enjoyed that cake

I also skipped out on paying a fortune for her first year pictures and did them myself. I really enjoy the editing process of photo taking as I have mentioned previously before. 

Now I do not fancy myself a photographer. When it comes to our treasured family photos I leave that up to the best (Mikasha clark photography) 

But I do see why they enjoy it as much as they do. The capturing of the moment the editing all that is so much fun to me. I really love it and I hope it comes through in my pictures like it does the professionals :) 

We really did have a blast and I still can't believe my little bug is a year old. She has changed all of our lives and we just adore her and her crazy antics.

Until we meet again-ASH

trying to stay ahead of the curve.

so yesterday I let you in on the secret that we are expecting twins!!!


with twin pregnancy comes a lot more complications than a singleton pregnancy (you learn all these fancy new words with a twin pregnancy like singleton, fraternal, identical,) like pre-eclammpsia, bed rest and even early pregnancy.
to get ahead of the curve and try to make this a healthy pregnancy. well as healthy as it can get with two babies in there. But let's get real all pregnancies are hard. And lots of unexpected things can happen. I'm trying to take care of myself and do what I can to stay ahead of the curve. I know that whatever is meant to happen will but I want to try to take care of my body in the meantime. 

I try to get ahead of the stress...... easier said than done right?
we are in the process of remodeling my dads house and my childhood home.  Even though I am so incredibly excited about this adventure it is incredibly stressful.... we are literally tearing out every single wall, sink, light fixture door knob you name it, its coming out of that house which in turn is nerve racking and stressful. on top of all that my son starts pre-k this week. I've learned to just hand it over to my husband at times and let him help me out. To hand over the control ( which is super hard for me ) to someone else. Ive been letting the babies stay overnight with there Nana. Thats a big one for me as I always like to have my babies with me...ALWAYS. lol. That has also been a big stress reliever. Ive also let go of some of the hurt and grudges I have had and man oh man did that feel good and relive stress I was only causing for myself. once you see those people you have been holding a grudge against   you honestly can't even remember what you where mad about!!!!!

exercise.....
Im actually not allowed to do much exercising but I still try to do what I can! Chasing a 10 month old around helps a lot!!!! she's like a rocket. as soon as she's up of she goes. Other than that I enjoy walking. sometimes when its to hot we walk the mall.... lots of seating for when I get tired and window shopping. also this summer I did lots of swimming. It helped out tons with my hip pain and I got a nice tan as well. win win.

Diet...
Durning all my pregnancies I have never eaten for two.. or well three. Ive always eaten what I usually did before becoming pregnant. So before I became pregnant with twins I had started clean eating and staying away from cokes, sweets, fried foods things of that nature. so 23 weeks pregnant I am still sticking to a pretty much healthy diet plan. This pregnancy I have craved water (thank sweet jesus)
I find it easier to drink more water when its ice cold. So my husband bought me a knock off yeti cup at walmart (aint nobody got time to pay 40 buck for a damn cup) I love it. it keeps my water super cold and I find myself refilling it more and more. Im alo turned off by the smell of fried foods so I have been sticking to lots of roasted veggies like green beans, squash, and broccoli with a little added cheeses. I've also been craving mexican food like a lllll the time, So me and the hubby found a healthy alternative and roast the chicken and veggies in the oven with some fajita seasoning and put them on corn tortillas or add the chicken and veggies to a bed of lettuce and top with a little cilantro dressing from trader joes.   Ive also gotten a roasted chicken that you can shred and eat for a few days adding it to things like quesidillas and salads and even tortilla soup. But I have my vices just like everyone does and occasionally give in ha! But I try not to do it to much and stay as healthy as I can.

rest....
when my husband is home from work I rest. I spend the day sleeping. It really does help tons and helps to keep me somewhat refreshed.

although I have always had very easy pregnancies health wise, with this pregnancy Im being more cautious because I no longer have just one sweet one in there I have two sweet ones. you can never be to cautious!!!

what precautions did you take during pregnancy? any advice?
what are some of your daily health routines even non-pregnant ones?

Im not going to lie I dream of what it will feel like to be back in the gym come febuary!! I already have my kick box class set and ready to go!

until we meet again-ASH

Gender reveal.

Well friends when life hands you lemons.......

April 19th we found our we where expecting again... I couldn't believe. 

My sweet girl had just turned 6 months old. How could I possibly be pregnant again.

I had a doctors visit back in February after skipping two back to back periods. My doctor told me I needed to look into a hormone specialist because it looked like my hormones and body weren't functioning. She tolds us we should brace ourselves because the odds of getting pregnant again in the future where not looking good.

Me and Chris knew we wanted one more so hearing that news was like a blow to the chest. 

As soon as we walked into the lobby I broke down in tears. Not just because we wouldn't be pregnant again but because my body was going through so much and I could tell. 

When March came around I started to feel even worse. My hair was falling out and I had rapidly gained weight even though I wasn't eating unhealthy and had cut out cokes and fast food and had started working out. I knew something just wasn't right. I should have listen to my body. By April I could barely stay awake. I couldn't keep any food down. I felt almost like I was pregnant again. So back to the doctors we went to get my hormones levels checked again.

I had blood work done and some labs ran. When she came back with the lab work she asked me to go straight to ultrasound. By this point I was freaking out. 

Once we got to ultrasound she confirmed I was pregnant again. I was floored. I was so emotional. I was just told I wouldn't be able to get pregnant again without the hormone therapy but here I was looking at our newest addition on the monitor! Everything looked great and they told us to come back in May for another ultrasound.

As the weeks rolled on I could not stay awake. It was like nothing I had ever experienced. I felt like I had narcolepsy. It was so bad that I couldn't drive at night because I would get so sleepy. My body hurt all the time. And the naseaua was overwhelming. I couldn't keep anything down and the thought of food literally made me want to hurl. 

In May we had our second ultrasound. I couldn't wait to see our new baby just because of how sick I was I wanted to make sure the new one was okay. 2 minutes into the ultrasound I saw what appeared to be two sacks. I immediatly thought something was wrong til I looked over at my husband as soon as we locked eyes it hit up both. That was twins!! We asked the ultrasound tech and she said why yes it is twins. I looked back to my husband and we both Just busted out laughing. Uncontrollably for the duration of the ultrasound. I know she had to think we where nuts.

Here we where. We went from being told we weren't going to have another child to being told we where having twins!!!! Twins do not run on either side of our family so you can imagine our suprise (we later found out that was a myth)

Fast foward to August. We found out we will be the proud parents of a baby boy and a baby girl!!!!!

We are excited and overwhelmed. I'm especially nervous to be having another c-section a year after having my last one. I'm nervous about having three a babies so close in age.

But I believe everything happens for a reason. I went from being told I wasn't going to have another baby to having two!!! I'm counting my blessing! I can't wait for this adventure to start. 

       23 weeks!

Until we meet again-ASH